Sunday..
It wasn't as nice as it has been over the past few weeks..
Everytime we talk on this day kasi,
everything goes fine.. Masaya.. Walang stress.. I am happy..
Pero iba tong araw na to.. Should have made me happy but it didn't.. I was at the computer shop checking his posts when he texted me..
I can't remember the exact words.. But it goes something like; "LURX, ayan ka nanaman.. Minsan tuloy naiilang na ako sa'yo.."
Then I remembered my last text.. It was a response to his twitter post..
"Never forget what someone says to you when they are drunk because drunk words are sober thoughts."
Then I added; "Kung alam mo lang how much I wanted to tell you that I LOVE YOU when I was drunk last night.."
He said sorry after his first text.. He said he didn't intend to it.. But he had to..
Ganung naman talaga sya.. Too careful of his words.. Something na minahal ko rin sa kanya.. Ayaw nya kasing nakakasakit ng tao.. Lalo na pag friend nya..
Then I logged out and went home so I could reply to him..
I said I got his point.. And sorry for crossing the boundaries..
I never wanted to scare him away.. But I guess it already happened..
Masyado ata akong naging aggressive in expressing my feelings for him.. That I forgot he already has someone.. Someone that he loves..
His text was actually an eye-opener.. Oo nga naman.. Nakalimutan ko na may boyfriend sya and friendship is all that he can offer.. And that's something na ayoko talaga mawala..
Honestly, I realized na parang may mali na nga ata.. I'm getting lost.. I was losing my grasp of reality.. I being eaten by my hope..
Hindi nga naman tama na umasa ako.. Something that he already and continously warned me about..
Hindi ko naman talaga sigurado kung umasa ba ako or what..
Kasi alam ko naman na hindi magiging kami.. Kaya nga hindi ko tinutuloy na ligawan sya or ask him to love me back.. Dahil alam ko kung hanggang saan lang ako dapat.. Isang bagay na hindi ko dapat lampasan..
Minsan akala ko, nasa boundary parin ako.. Yun pala wala na..
Sa totoo lang, kulang pa nga yung mga text ko..
kung itetext ko kasi kung ano yung feelings ko, baka sumabog yung phone nya or sumabog yung nguso ko dahil kay BF nya..
Ewan ko ba.. Siguro nakakasakal parin talaga yung ugali ko..
Everytime na magtetext ako, I'm trying not be like a nagger or something.. I never demanded the same reply or even just a simple reply.. Gusto ko lang naman iexpress yung feelings ko.. I wanna show them that I care, that I'm always there, that somebody loves them.. Siguro at the far corner of my mind, gusto na magreply din sila.. siya..
Siguro nga I was just fooling my self.. Saying na I wasn't hoping na mahalin nya ako..
But for me, most of the time, I text the person kasi to let him know that I'm just a beep away.. To make him feel secured that he's not alone.. Well unfortunately, mas nagmukhang ata akong nanay.. Hahah!
Good thing that he was understanding.. Kahit papaano kasi pinapaintindi nya sakin yung mga bagay and he still takes some time to let me know where I should stand.. Hindi ko nga alam kung masakit lang ba talaga para sakin yung meaning nung sinabi nya, or if masakit talaga sya magsalita.. Hahah! I'm just kidding.. Maybe it's just because nagmamahal ako.. Kaya masakit para sakin lahat ng rejection na natatanggap ko.. But in fairness to him, he apologizes whenever he knows na nasasaktan ako.. A favor that I never asked him to do but he always does.. Kaya nga maswerte yung taong mahal nya.. Cause he knows how to take care of someone else's heart..
After he texted me kanina and was brought back to reality, I realized how much he loves him, I've thought I have to let him go and start anew.. But not because I wanted to..
Sabi ko nga kanina sa kanya, I guess I have to let him go cause he's not even mine to start with..
Tama naman.. That's one thing that he always reminded me about.. That I should not pursue because his heart is taken..
Sabi ko sa sarili ko, I didn't really pursue to have him.. It's just that I wasn't successful in stopping my heart from falling deeper for him..
Then he asked me why should start anew when I knew from the start na friends lang naman kami..
Then I replied; "I know that.. It's just that it's hard when you feel that you've already found that someone that you wanna share your whole life with.." Which he answered with; "But it's harder if at the first, you know that the person has his someone, already spending the entirety of what they have. And you keep on pushing with what you believe in.."
Yun na ata yung isa sa pinakamasakit na salitang natanggap ko..
Reality bites.. In this case, kinain ako ni truth ng buong buo..
Again, he was right.. I knew it all along.. May mahal syang iba, at sya yung gusto nyang makasama habang buhay.. Hindi ko alam kung nasaktan ba ako dahil tama sya at tanga ako, or dahil gusto ko na sana, sana ako nalang yung taong yun..
I wasn't able to explain to him why It's hard and had to start anew..
That it's because I've unnoticeably built my world around him.. Na yung goals, vison, at mission ko sa buhay eh kasama sya at tungkol sa kanya.. Nakakatawa yung three words na yun,, GOAL, MISSION, VISION.. Parang sa school lang.. Kulang nalang ata eh LOGO at MOTTO..
Hindi ko na rin sinabi sa kanya dahil baka marindi lang sya at lalong mayamot..
At this point, iniisip ko parin kung isusulat ko ba to o hindi..
Nam: Shone, I have something to tell you. I like you very much. For three years, I had done everything — I changed because of you. I applied for classical dancing club, acted on a play, became a drum major, studied harder — it’s all because of you. *tears up* But now I know, the thing I should have done a long time ago is tell you that… I love you. *she gives him the rose, he accepts it. Nam reads the “Pin loves Shone” written on his shirt* …You and Pin? Since when? Shone: Just a week ago. Nam: You and Pin, you’re good together. I hope the best for you two. […] Shone: Nam, are you alright? Nam: *makes the ok-sign but walks away crying*
nakakarelate ako sa line na yan sa movie na "Crazy Little Thing Called Love".. Yan din kasi yung sakin.. Sya yung dahilan why I want to become a better person.. And though I've wanted it even before he came, it wasn't this good and I didn't want it this bad..
What I am right now and what I want to be and have ,is all for him..
Kung mas buo man yung mga pangarap ko, iyon ay dahil binuo ko yun habang iniisip sya.. Kaya mahirap para sakin ang tanggapin na hindi ko na sya pwedeng mahalin..
Pero kung hindi man talaga pwedeng maging kami kahit sa huli, okay lang.. I couldn't stop my feelings anyway.. It would stop if it's meant to be.. But if it's not, I'm sure I'll get the hang of this agony.. Hopefully..
But at the end of the day, I still love SUNDAY..
Okay na.. ( I guess) Hindi na sya annoyed.. And I hope he's no longer scared of me..
"Again, I'm sorry for what I did..
I promise I won't cross the line again..
Till there's already none..
So I'll try not to bug you for the next few days,
but,
1. I hope I'm still your virtual super friend..
2. Sana lang if you need someone to talk to, you WON'T hesitate to text/call me..
3. You promised to meet me after a year or after you came back from abroad (if you're still there by then). Kung kayo pa nun ni BF, then you could just bring him too..
4. PLEASE don't ask me to love someone else if I still love you after 6 months.. (I'm still not gonna bug you that much anyway)
5. I'm not (and I wasn't) pushing the idea of US. Cause I'm not asking you to love me HANGGANG kayo pa.. Cause that wasn't my point.. Sumobra lang talaga ako in expressing my feelings.. I'm sorry for being too inconsiderate whenever I cross the line..
6. I VALUE your happiness..
7. I greatly appreciate all your efforts in explaining things to me..
8. You are my friend.. And you will always be.. No matter what.."
Yan yung text ko sa kanya to end the day..
Then he said; "Copied.. No hard feelings.. swear.."
And the saved me from the hell of my worries..
So I am happy na ulit..
But I've gotta stop lingering..
I remembered yung line ng friend ko while we were having lunch.. She was having a problem kasi with her hubby.. Yung tipong magkasama sila pero para silang hindi mag-asawa, hindi magkagalit pero parang wala na yung feelings for each other..
She said she works not because she really needs to..
But because she wants to prepare for the worst..
She works cause she wants to have her own money so she wouldn't be useless without him..
She said their relationship was and is still on the rocks..
She used to be a very submissive and humble wife..
But she didn't get what she deserved.. She was looked down because of her humility.. And was taken for granted because of her submissiveness..
And then, there's one thing that she realized which keeps her strong till now..
"Kung hindi mo iaapreciate ang sarili mo, sino pa ang mag-aapreciate sa'yo? Kung hindi ka nila naaapreciate, wag mong kawawain yung sarili mo. You have to have a life.."
Tama.. A line that I am trying to hold on to and use as a will to keep up.. I have no choice but to use this line to help me accept the fate of my condition.. Especially now that I have to try to change my only inspiration..
Then responded to her; "You are strong not because you are independent.. But because you learned to love your self more and be fair to your self.."
I was about to end this when I remembered,,
I have to appreciate myself..
But he's the reason why I was able to do that,,
So paano na ngayon?
these are the pics that I tried to send him thru MMS to cheer him up one Monday morning.. Unfortunately, my phone wasn't able to send it that day and he wasn't able to open it when I was able to successfully send it a few days after..
